November 22, 2010

My Hero

{Matt gave me permission to post this photo on my blog;
some photos I have can't be shared with the public.}

Well...Matt's deployment is officially half over. But that doesn't mean that it's getting any easier for us. In fact, it's the opposite, since we are always thinking of how long it will be until we're together again. We both try not to focus on that, but it's impossible to remove that thought from our minds completely.

Matt's doing really well and doing great at his job. He works seven days a week, and his only break is that he has a half day off on Fridays. His shifts are normally nine hours and he has a break a bit more than half way through to go eat dinner.

Besides sleeping, Matt generally does three things in his down time: work out, play computer games, and read. On Sundays he is able to attend the Chapel services for the soldiers.

Matt and I are able to chat on Skype every day using their instant-messaging feature and we use the phone call feature to talk once or twice a week. Of course email is an option too, but the messaging feature is fun because it's like having a live conversation in a way.

Sometimes it feels like this deployment will never end. I know it will, and I continually give myself pep talks in my head, saying, "you can do this, you can do this." I so often find myself thinking about the past three years of our marriage and the life we've built together, filled with such happy memories, but it feels so far away at the moment. I know the end draws nearer as each minute passes, but somehow that doesn't seem to make the present moment any less difficult for me.

I find myself jealously watching married couples in the church--laughing together, whispering together, or even just sitting next to one another. I then imagine Matt and I doing those things together and it suddenly makes me acutely and painfully aware of his absence.

One thing this deployment is teaching me is how to control my thoughts. I could drive myself mad if I let my mind run away with itself. And there is no possible way I could make it through all of this if I didn't actively keep my mind from thinking about certain things or dwelling on certain thoughts. I'm sure it's a good skill to develop and each day I'm getting better and better at it. I have no choice.

The more time passes by, the more I am thankful for God placing me in Hungary during this time. I can see and feel so clearly that I am meant to be here now, at this time. I'm sure I'll never understand the intricate ways that my life here in Hungary is helping me to cope and get through this deployment, but I know I am where I am meant to be. God has taken better care of me than I ever could have imagined and each night I am able to lay my head down and sleep in peace, happy to know I will wake up one day closer to being with Matthew once again.

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